sigh.

I am plodding along... getting through what I have to get through, but at the end of the day I can't help but feel like I'm not living the life I want. I want excitement,adventure, miracles, and the unexplainable. I want to live daringly, I don't want to fear anything but God in this life. Right now I most fear dissapointment. Not dissapointing others, dissapointing myself. I feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. But even King David was once a sheperd, Jesus was a carpenter for 30 years before he started his ministry, but then there are others. Jeremiah was probably only a teenager. Not that I want to be a child prophet who gets thrown into prison all the time and never marries. Anyways i think my point is I'm bored with life. I bored with school. I really wanted to go to europe and do something different... live a little. i still may be able to, but probably not. I'm kinda depressed but not really. I don't know how to explain it. There are plenty of things that I take joy in, but i don't feel fullfilled at the end of the day, you know?
Yesterday during quiet time i was reading from daniel about when he sees the angel of the Lord and all that. I was really awed. I think I am goint to start praying for visions, prophecy, and miracles again. I used to... and God often answered. I'm not doing it to liven up my life by any means. maybe thats part of my gifting that I'm not using or something.I dunno. Well God is good and very often Amy is not. The fact that people describe me as level headed and composed bothers me. It makes me think maybe people dont really know me. If people knew what went on in my head they wouldn't think that. I'm rambling now. I think I'll go take a shower and quit rambling.

#@$!

I hate academic april. They arbitrarily chose this specific date in which i am suddenly upon that date supposed to know what I want to do with a great portion of my life. How the hell am i supposed to know what to do?Were supposed to pick a career that we are passionate about. I don't have any passions anymore. i don't have time to have passions. i don;t even have time to takea walk once in a while or play my guitar or piano more than once a month. How do i have time to figure out what to do with my life in the next two weeks? i don't want to become a Dr. God, I don't want to become a Dr!! Do you here me? I dont want to do it ... i dont want to go to school for 7 more years, i dont want to have to have no life for the next 3 years in order to have good enough grades to get into med school. Hell i dont even have good enough grades to get into nursing school... at least not now and not at spu.
Why is everything so hard? Why cant I trust you? Why can't I be more content? Why why why. I despise the fact that i sound whiny right now, but honestly if I don't get it out I'm going to explode or shut down. Neither are pretty options. I wish people would quit asking me how I'm doing all the time. i dont have the energy to tell most people the truth. I barely have the energy to tell myself the truth.
It's all vanity. I cant live this way anymore, somethings gotta change.

!

I get to go home!! Yea! My blog is advertising praise & worship cds. Thats kinda cool. Well i am way excited to be going home. I really didn't realize how much I needed to get out of here already and take a break.
I miss melissa. It's a little bit sad that I probably wont see her till august or september. Sometimes I feel like I just need my best friend to be here in bodily form... to give me a hug and play with my hair... shes just so darn comforting. well thats something to be thankful for.
And todays good friday. I am not going to be able to make it the good friday service but I think I am going to have a long quiet time tonight and thank Jesus in person. ( or as close as I can get to in person)
God has put some really wonderful people in my life here and I love them all very much... going home for the summer is a little bit scary. i need to find a job. .... God will work it all out. And now I must do my homework.

not enough words in the english language

When do I understand?

when do I quit
when do I start
when do you love me
when I fall apart

when do I hide
when do I shout
when do you you show me
When all I have is doubt

when do they find you
when do they see
when do you grieve the peace that could be?

I am broken.
I am blind.
I am stubborn.
I am doubtful.
I am ...nothing without you.

You are love.
You are justice.
You are mercy.

You are peace.
You are joy.
You are wisdom.

When do I understand?

let the earth pass away
let my body turn to dust
You alone remain.

Love. Agape. Amour. Jesus.

Palm Sunday is today.
there are four words for love in greek. Why do we only get one? I am rebelling against the lack of words. Palm sunday. If we do not worship him then he will raise up the stones in the streets to worship.

My heart ... at peace

i don't know where to begin. If I wrote more often I wouldnt have this problem. Well i think that God is doing some pretty cool healing in me lately. When Anelecia and I did acct ability tuesday God convicted me the instant anelecia started praying that I needed to let go of my fear of guys and relationships with them. And so I did. Thats why the tears came. And God did even more on wednesday night.
i was having a conversation with lindsay about my dreams lately, and the fact that Brian has been in them so much. I've never felt like there was closure to that relationship. It just sort of ended without words. Anyways linds asked me if I prayed for him and I said yes, but not much. I confessed that I can never get passed "Lord Bless Brian and his wife" before my heart starts to ache and I stop. So she started to pray for me and the Lord convicted me instantly that it was time to let go. It was time to heal the right way, with or without the closure i thought I needed. Linds said she felt that I needed to pray for him out loud. SO i crawled into bed with LInds and tried to start praying but it like my mouth was being wired shut, literally... it was weird. like the enemy didnt want this to happen... and so I knew all the more it must be important that it happen. I struggled and prayed a silent prayer and the words started to come. The tears streamed and I gave it to God, gave him to God. Prayed God would bless his marriage. It hurt but I knew it was right and good all at once. And I knew when it was over, when I was done, because the Lords peace filled me up in a way it hasn't in a long time. I felt that little glimpse of heaven in my heart in the peace I felt.
I am so thankful that the Lord works in us and removes obstacles we don't even realize are there. God is good. I am so thankful for everything that you are doing in my heart Father. I trust you to continue to do a good work in me. Abba thanks for the peace that you give,when you wrap us in your love and it's better than anything. Better than being wrapped up in any boys arms.(smile)Thank you for breaking so that you may heal. Your rod and your staff DO comfort me. Praise you Lord! I love you daddy. In Jesus precious name , amen