AIDS

Yeah so today and yesterday I have been really feeling bogged down. I have felt that life is unmaneagable, that I won't be able to fulfill the goals I had set for myself. I've been so concerned with myself. Tonight the Lord really convicted me. I went to hear the vice president of public relations for World Vision speak. During worship, before he even spoke, the Lord was convicting me, breaking my heart. I was praising, then I was praying, then I was praying in the spirit and It just felt like God was sqeezing my heart and I hadnt any idea why. I was praying more fervently than I had in like, years. Then the speaker came up and talked all about AIDS and how it was time for the church to quit averting it's eyes to the problem.
When he said that (or something to that affect) I felt soooo SOOO convicted. I prayed a silent little prayer begging for the Lord's mercy on the Church, especially the American Church members, who seem most asleep.
My cry and prayer tonight is Lord, please wake us up! Open our eyes to our sin, let us repent and step up to do your will.
I agreed with the speaker that if we leave those suffering with aids to be helped by governments, it will never happen on the scale necessary. (there are 20+million people with aids as I type this) Governments should step in where they can, but it not they're job to handle it alone!! It is the call and job of every person who calls themself a Christian to rise up, to help those who have no voice, especially the orphans. The bible calls us to minister especially to the orphans, the widows, the sick, the outcast. I want to be obedient to that!
Lord help me to do the work that you have called me to. Give me the strength and weakness necessary to be obedient. I am scared. You are greater than my fears.
Lord you promised me that the victory to overcome my sins, my impurity, is already yours.THAT ROCKS!! I am so psyched. I can't figure out why that didn't sink in till now. Bwana Asifiwe, AMEN!!

3 day weekend

This was my b-day celebration with my family this weekend and it was good. I enjoyed being off of campus lots, but I've had this nagging question in my mind as to whether or not I am a hippocrite. But let me back up. Over the last week I have found myself in numerous positions where I gave biblical advice and even rebuke to friends of mine when they came to me seeking answers. I really at the time felt that I was doing the right thing, telling people the truth in the most loving way I knew. In retrospect though I am wondering If I really had any place to do that. I guess I just started feeling beaten down. who am I to give anyone advice? my life isn't in order. I don't know. I think the conclusion is that God can use me even when I'm broken. He can wrap his hands around this broken cup, plugging up the leaks and make it hold water, so that the water can be poured into others. Actually it seems to be the times of struggle in my life where I notice God "using me" the most. Well those are my thoughts and now I must go to bed.

What should I be doing?

I just woke up and could not figure out if I wanted to start studying, or reading a novel for fun, or what. I really need to study. i think I probably failed my anatomy test yesterday, and it really sucks since I desire sooo much to do well.
I screwed up again last night. I gave in to temptation. I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway. Unfortunately my sinful desires have won out, when it should be the other way around. Now I feel guilty. Talking to God sounds hard. Each time I ask forgiveness my words sound emptier and emptier. I wish I would just stop! I am past the point of being fed up with myself. ...
...Hmm well maybe I should just go study and worry about all that later.