WOW!

Things are feeling considerably less yucky than they were a week ago. Things with the fam have cleared up considerably. I have started to write this blog and then deleted it about 4 times now. I don't know how to process right now, I am journaling a bit elsewhere. I consider myself a pretty open person, but not everything needs to be posted here. I am processing the fact that I am going to Germany with Grace for Christmas break. How awesome, wonderful, fun, super-exciting is that?!?!!! I can hardly wait!!Other than that I really have nothing to say, so instead of rambling I am cutting myself off.

SOS

my heart is sick. my family is in a terrible place right now, and i don't know how to fix it. I can't trust them. When I trust them they use it to hurt eachother. It hurts me to see them use things that i trusted in confidence to hurt one another. I want to vomit. I wish I could throw it all up, all the poison, and it could be like it never happened. Where do I go from here?
I had a dream last night that a whole bunch of people broke out of an insane asylum and were chasing me, and were trying to get into the window in Grace's room. All their hands were reaching in, trying to destroy me. Trying to take me with them, to drive me crazy. I was very relieved to wake up this morning and discover I was quite safe and sound in Grace's room, there were no hands reaching in the window. All the same I feel heart sick in my waking hours, and rather torchered in my sleeping ones.
Lord, please show me how to love my family through it all. I don't what to do. Help me! Have mercy on us Father!

Beautiful Scandalous Night

Mmmm. I am listening to hymns while Olivia sleeps in her crib. Right now all I can think of is how extremely big God is and how very small, yet not insignificant to Him, I am. He answers my cry and delivers me, delivers me from myself mostly. But also from the attacks of the enemy who ( I am convinced) is working double-time lately to try to confuse my mind. I go through these intense times of doubt and fear, and then when I have very nearly given up all hope, He rescues me and sets me straight. How ridiculous I am to be so unsteadfast in my faith. How great the Fathers Love for Us. This I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.

Last week I am afraid a great deal of the emotion built up from all my fearing and near hopelesness was dumped on Anelecia. Perhaps it was necessary though to get it out. Lots of tears, but also good times with friends and family have happened over the last week. I went home to spend time with my mom for her birthday, and I ended up having really good and unexpected conversations with my sister in the car. She knows of Gods power, although she doesn't give Him the credit for it, she knows it's there. A mighty life-changing power for good. I can get so frustrated with her, but when I get these little glimpses of her, of her life, her heart, I can't help but love her more.

I have some amazing news that just happened last night. Lindsay called me and said that she was at her good friend Jenny's house in colorado and was telling Jenny's Dad (Mr. Stafford) who happens to work for Compassion, about Rahel (the girl I sponsor through compassion) and her story. Well it turns out that Jenny's dad doesn't only work for compassion, he is the President and CEO of Compassion International, the head hauncho!! He gave Lindsay his private email address to give to me, so that I could e-mail him everything I know about Rahel, and he will personally make sure that she and her family have everything they need, and they will get tested for aids. I AM SO completely in awe of God, truly God can do anything! Praise HIM!

I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom. I will only boast in Jesus Christ. Oh Lord, thanks so much for hymns and sleeping toddlers and good talks. For doing great big things I could never do. Please forgive me my ignorance, and my foolishness also. Lord I am so desperate for you! Thank you for making me hungry, so that I can be filled. Keep me from the sins of pride, let me not boast in anything but you. Keep me from doing anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Thank you for your Holy Spirit to convict me, teach me, and restore me. You are so good. Lord please give me wisdom, to know how to love you better, and to love everyone better.

Psalm 19

The heavens declare the glory of God

i want to hear the songs sung by silver stars
i want to see them all dancing joyously
i want to hear Him call every one of them by name

There is no speech or language where there voice is not heard

I want to sing the old songs with them
I want to dance in unity with them
I want to hear Him call me by name once again

Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing
in your sight oh Lord,

Teach me the words that I may sing
Teach me the steps so that I may dance
Teach me your names oh Lord,
That I may proclaim them!

my Rock and my Redeemer.

Abba Father
Prince of Peace
Mighty God
Wonderful Counselor
hear my Cry and deliver me!

hello blog world

oh dear i havent written a word in ages and ages. I feel kind of... wordless. I am sick and feeling rather needy. I had an attack of 5-yr-oldness that made me desperately wish my mommy was here to take care of me. between the dizzy spells and the loud nose blowing I had a pretty decent weekend. There was my favorite thai restaurant with Grace and some nap times.
I confuse myself... i feel lonely yet when i call people i find i generally have nothing at all to say and so the conversation doesnt last long. I guess i just want someone to be with... not necessarily to talk with, but just Be. I admit I am not doing very well with spending time with the Lord. I don't know why. I am so fickle and foolish. I am like the dog that goes back to its vomit. I know what is right and what is wrong and yet it seems i only succeed at doing the wrong.
Lately I have been wondering about some of the so called contradictions in the bible. there is a scripture that says that all those who call on the Lord will be saved... and yet there is another scripture that says that there will be those who called on the Lord and even did miracles in His name and yet He will say that He has not known them. I don't understand. I am often afraid that I will be in the latter category. What if I spend my whole life trying to follow the Lord only to discover when I die that I never really knew Him. The Bible says that those who love the Lord obey His commandments. I am not very good at being obedient... like I said above, it is the evil I don't intend to do that I do and the good I want to do I don't do. I am not very obedient so thereby I probably don't love the Lord whole-heartedly. Which naturally implies that I am disobedient. So how do I know If I will be someone whom the Lord knows? How do I know I am not condemned to death and Hell for my disobedience? Where is grace in all this? How do I know which scriptures to base my life on?
Oh Lord, I am so confused. I know that you know the answers, please give me the wisdom I need. I am wandering, I am stumbling, show me how to be. I need you Daddy! Please hold me in your arms and make all the confusion go away! Create in me a pure heart oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Take not your Holy Spirit from me... Lord lead me to your peace. I want to be obedient but I don't know how.
Being good is just a fable, I can't cause I'm not able. I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.
Yea for Amy Grant to help simplify my feelings. Oh Lord Guide me once again in the path of righteousness for your names sake. Thank you for being with me always and hearing my words, even the ones I don't say.
Amen