hello blog world

oh dear i havent written a word in ages and ages. I feel kind of... wordless. I am sick and feeling rather needy. I had an attack of 5-yr-oldness that made me desperately wish my mommy was here to take care of me. between the dizzy spells and the loud nose blowing I had a pretty decent weekend. There was my favorite thai restaurant with Grace and some nap times.
I confuse myself... i feel lonely yet when i call people i find i generally have nothing at all to say and so the conversation doesnt last long. I guess i just want someone to be with... not necessarily to talk with, but just Be. I admit I am not doing very well with spending time with the Lord. I don't know why. I am so fickle and foolish. I am like the dog that goes back to its vomit. I know what is right and what is wrong and yet it seems i only succeed at doing the wrong.
Lately I have been wondering about some of the so called contradictions in the bible. there is a scripture that says that all those who call on the Lord will be saved... and yet there is another scripture that says that there will be those who called on the Lord and even did miracles in His name and yet He will say that He has not known them. I don't understand. I am often afraid that I will be in the latter category. What if I spend my whole life trying to follow the Lord only to discover when I die that I never really knew Him. The Bible says that those who love the Lord obey His commandments. I am not very good at being obedient... like I said above, it is the evil I don't intend to do that I do and the good I want to do I don't do. I am not very obedient so thereby I probably don't love the Lord whole-heartedly. Which naturally implies that I am disobedient. So how do I know If I will be someone whom the Lord knows? How do I know I am not condemned to death and Hell for my disobedience? Where is grace in all this? How do I know which scriptures to base my life on?
Oh Lord, I am so confused. I know that you know the answers, please give me the wisdom I need. I am wandering, I am stumbling, show me how to be. I need you Daddy! Please hold me in your arms and make all the confusion go away! Create in me a pure heart oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Take not your Holy Spirit from me... Lord lead me to your peace. I want to be obedient but I don't know how.
Being good is just a fable, I can't cause I'm not able. I'm gonna leave it to the Lord.
Yea for Amy Grant to help simplify my feelings. Oh Lord Guide me once again in the path of righteousness for your names sake. Thank you for being with me always and hearing my words, even the ones I don't say.
Amen