fun and fires and my own house

Ahhhhhh. sigh of contentment. I am home and i am beginning to remember all the things I forget about home while I am away. little things that make it special. Like how comfy my bed is, how the air smells like earth, the good water pressure in the shower, the fact that my mom hugs me at least 6 times a day, even the giant spiders that wander around at night bring up good memories. well i had a wonderful 1st day back for the most part. a little hazardous perhaps. I decided to cook dinner for my mom and Jim and the dinner came out fine, but in the process i attempted to make deep fried mozzarella sticks which i have never done before. somehow the oil got too hot really suddenly and it like spontaneously combusted. It took about 5 seconds for me revert to a 5 year old again and started screaming for my mom to help me. luckily no one got hurt, and the damage to the wall is only surface. sooo that was excitement. hehehe.... i hope they still let me cook

His Joy

oppressed but not crushed, struck down but not destroyed, blessed beyond the hardship, his promise will endure. His joys gonna be my strength.

I feel, when I let myself feel it, like a failure. i have always been an A's and B's student. I have never tried so hard at something and still failed. I'm disapointed, but I refuse to let it define me. I could easily breakdown about now, but for some reason the Lord has given me joy in the midst of all this. I am relieved it's over. I am glad for springbreak tomorrow. I am excited to hang out with my mom, and eat my stepdads yummy food. I can't wait to sleep in and watch old movies and just enjoy being away from this for a while. Lord, keep my heart focused on you while I am away. I don't want to fall into sin just because i wont have an acct. partner across the hall for a week. Portect me from uneccesary temptation. Bless the time away, so that I can come back refreshed and not discouraged. I thank you for getting me through the quarter. Please bless Lindsay, she hurts so much. wrap her up in your love, bring her relief Lord. Thank you Abba..

Numb-Jesus is merciful.

I feel...numb. I think I am currently beyond feeling stress anymore. This morning i took a nasty A&P lab test that I studied for for like 10 hours, and I got a D. I work my butt off for a D? It's such crap. I refuse to be defeated. I am still going to make one last ditch effort to save my rear and study ALL weekend for the final on tuesday. It was still pretty disheartening though. Especially when I think that God may be calling me to become a Dr.
I am the least person who should be becoming a Dr. All growing up I excelled at english and art. Never science or math. I don't understand. Lindsay says God doesn't call us to live easy lives. But does that mean that my WHOLE life is going to be against the grain of who I am? (Or think I am anyway) i don't know. I am honestly not having any particular feeling too strongly about anything right now, or else I might be really upset.
Lindsay had some kind of breakdown two days ago. She suddenly quits talking and turns so far into herself you may as well be talking to a wall. Literally. I talked to her and asked her questions for about 45 min and she had no respose whatsoever. It really freaks me out when she does that. Eventually she went to bed and Nicole went in and talked to her. for whatever reason Nicole can reach her in ways I can't and she opened up. After Nicole talked to her she started talking to me again. She said it has nothing to do with me and I shouldnt take her personally. Anyways... we did have a good talk at about 1 in the morning and weare okay, but I don't think she is okay. How can a person be okay when they have breakdowns like that?
I told her how I felt about it. Which was that I love her so much and I don't understand why she does it, she makes me hurt for her...more than most things can right now.
She said she doesnt know why I keep loving her.
She breaks my heart.

At any rate I believe that Jesus gave me this coping mechanism as an act of mercy. It's not permanent, I'll regain my emotions when I have the time too.
And now I am going to go to bed so that i am well rested for tomorrows studying.

eeeeeh

I don't know where to begin. I have had so many things swirling in my mind the last weeks. Money. Classes. my major. European quarter. And the fact that uncertainty and some fear is mixed in with all of it. The easiest of these things to trust God about is money, which is good, but I wish I trusted Him more with my future. Lord change my heart. forgive me for my pretty pathetic lack of faith. God has really been working in me this quarter, which is awesome.Through this I have come to recognize how much farther I have to go still. My thoughts and sentences are not cohereing and flowing very well, my mind is too all over the place.
Yesterday i went hiking and it was awesome to be out in God's nature. It was refreshing to not think about my life at spu where I am constantly warring to find peace and give my doubts/fears to Abba.
He has been doing lots of reconstruction in my heart lately. When I was 16 ish I always took such joy in worship and quiet time. I think he is bringing me back to that place, the joy of salvation. I have really loved spending time with the Lord latey, it doesn't feel empty and pointless like it has in the past at times. Bwana Asifiwe!!! Amen