first post in 3 months

obviously, i am not so full of time to keep up with posting things here. i don't know how anelecia does it. but than, if anyone was reading this there would be more incentive i suppose. so much has happened i cant even begin to say it all. God is good to me. So good.
Please Lord, give me extra grace to be a blessing to those around me this quarter. I don't want this to be a typical winter of introspection and self-focus leading to a depressive pit. Daddy, you have set my feet upon the rock, let me not stray. Keep me close by your side. I want to be righteous and not self-righteous. I want to seek to love and not seek to be loved. Help me to rely on you, not on others. Thanks for hearing my prayers, even the ones whispered in the dark.

Sunrise 9/14/04

I sat there a long time. I was Content on the soft honey-colored grasses that had been dampened with morning dew. My rear was a little wet as a result, but it didn't bother me any. The birds were singing as though they thought that the notes themselves were calling up the sun.
The air was clear and fresh from the recent not-quite-fall rains which mixed with the smell of earth. it was a country smell, a homey smell I thought. The air was chilly and brisk, but it would still bring a warm afternoon. It was a time of change, of summer becoming autumn. And so it was for me a time of change, school would begin soon. Too soon, I grumbled.
I pushed these thoughts from my mind and focused on the morning. Impulsively, naturally, I began to sing. Harmonizing with the oldest of all melodies of nature, I began to sing. There was a certain righness in it.
"Holy, Holy, Holy! Lord God almighty, early in the mor-ning our song shall rise to thee!"
The rays of the sun gracefully poured over the distant hills, their white hotness blinding me momentarily. I continued to watch the day begin from the high hillside, procrastinating the start of my days work.
The blues above deepened and somewhere a rooster crowed and so I stood. Putting my things back into my grey bag I turned back toward home.
The day had began.

Oh Lord, I am so doubtful, forgive me. You are not going to abandon me, why am I lately so afraid of that? I know that you are all I need and that you are with me always, even unto the end of the age. I know that I am in the palm of your hand and that you will not lead me astray. You are God Almighty who made everything, and who saved me once eternally and who loves me. I do not need to know what you have in store for tomorrow, I will trust in you to hold my hand and show me the way. Teach me how to have the faith and innocence of a child. Help me to live rightesouly as a sacrifice to you. I want to start the year of right, but I feel that I may have already gotten off on a bad foot. Help me to change it, to start over. Thank you so much for the blessings of friends and fellowship, teach me to be a better friend. A friend loves at all times. Teach me to love my friends at all times, not just when I am in the mood. Forgive me for my wretched selfishness. Draw me after you oh Lord, let me hear your voice, let me see your face. For your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.
Thank you for being my Abba.

Thunder Theology

I came to the knowledge a few months ago that I did not fear God the way I should. Oddly enough it first hit me when I was not reading from the bible. I was re-reading mark of the lion, at this great dramatic scene in which one slave girl throws herself on top of her master to save her from a deathly beating. The master is foolish and awful and does not know God in any way. I had this sudden realization that i was more like julia than hadasseh. i was more wretch than saint. Sure I was saved, but I did not fear God much. Ever since than I have been trying to figure out what the fear of the Lord is, and how to get it. I have been asking God to show how to find it. And, low and behold, last week he tells me to study proverbs.

And thats what I have been doing, studying proverbs and the fear of the Lord. A supplement to my studying is to listen to online sermons. I found a sermon on fear of the Lord based in proverbs and I listened to it today. It was awesome! Why fear god... because he is scary! He will judge people and the enemies of God will be punished eternally. So I'm listening to the sermon, taking notes and what not. Basically gaining a whole new understanding of what it means to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. When during a particularlyGod-fear-inspiring scripture is being read, namely Rev 14:9-11 (which, by the way changed my whole understanding of hell, I had thought hell would be the absence of God... it's not.)
when all of a sudden a great big clamorous roar of thunder hits. Literally.
God is to be feared. The love of God means SO much more in this light. Hmmm.. yes definately what pastor mark calls scooby doo verses.

WOW!

Things are feeling considerably less yucky than they were a week ago. Things with the fam have cleared up considerably. I have started to write this blog and then deleted it about 4 times now. I don't know how to process right now, I am journaling a bit elsewhere. I consider myself a pretty open person, but not everything needs to be posted here. I am processing the fact that I am going to Germany with Grace for Christmas break. How awesome, wonderful, fun, super-exciting is that?!?!!! I can hardly wait!!Other than that I really have nothing to say, so instead of rambling I am cutting myself off.

SOS

my heart is sick. my family is in a terrible place right now, and i don't know how to fix it. I can't trust them. When I trust them they use it to hurt eachother. It hurts me to see them use things that i trusted in confidence to hurt one another. I want to vomit. I wish I could throw it all up, all the poison, and it could be like it never happened. Where do I go from here?
I had a dream last night that a whole bunch of people broke out of an insane asylum and were chasing me, and were trying to get into the window in Grace's room. All their hands were reaching in, trying to destroy me. Trying to take me with them, to drive me crazy. I was very relieved to wake up this morning and discover I was quite safe and sound in Grace's room, there were no hands reaching in the window. All the same I feel heart sick in my waking hours, and rather torchered in my sleeping ones.
Lord, please show me how to love my family through it all. I don't what to do. Help me! Have mercy on us Father!

Beautiful Scandalous Night

Mmmm. I am listening to hymns while Olivia sleeps in her crib. Right now all I can think of is how extremely big God is and how very small, yet not insignificant to Him, I am. He answers my cry and delivers me, delivers me from myself mostly. But also from the attacks of the enemy who ( I am convinced) is working double-time lately to try to confuse my mind. I go through these intense times of doubt and fear, and then when I have very nearly given up all hope, He rescues me and sets me straight. How ridiculous I am to be so unsteadfast in my faith. How great the Fathers Love for Us. This I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.

Last week I am afraid a great deal of the emotion built up from all my fearing and near hopelesness was dumped on Anelecia. Perhaps it was necessary though to get it out. Lots of tears, but also good times with friends and family have happened over the last week. I went home to spend time with my mom for her birthday, and I ended up having really good and unexpected conversations with my sister in the car. She knows of Gods power, although she doesn't give Him the credit for it, she knows it's there. A mighty life-changing power for good. I can get so frustrated with her, but when I get these little glimpses of her, of her life, her heart, I can't help but love her more.

I have some amazing news that just happened last night. Lindsay called me and said that she was at her good friend Jenny's house in colorado and was telling Jenny's Dad (Mr. Stafford) who happens to work for Compassion, about Rahel (the girl I sponsor through compassion) and her story. Well it turns out that Jenny's dad doesn't only work for compassion, he is the President and CEO of Compassion International, the head hauncho!! He gave Lindsay his private email address to give to me, so that I could e-mail him everything I know about Rahel, and he will personally make sure that she and her family have everything they need, and they will get tested for aids. I AM SO completely in awe of God, truly God can do anything! Praise HIM!

I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom. I will only boast in Jesus Christ. Oh Lord, thanks so much for hymns and sleeping toddlers and good talks. For doing great big things I could never do. Please forgive me my ignorance, and my foolishness also. Lord I am so desperate for you! Thank you for making me hungry, so that I can be filled. Keep me from the sins of pride, let me not boast in anything but you. Keep me from doing anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Thank you for your Holy Spirit to convict me, teach me, and restore me. You are so good. Lord please give me wisdom, to know how to love you better, and to love everyone better.